Diane Baranello of Coaching for Distinction just sent me, “Are You Being Served?” by James Surowiecki. The information in The New Yorker piece won’t surprise my readers. The author noted that these days almost nobody is happy–neither the served nor the servers. He also pointed out why employers don’t like to pay for service: It’s an expense with zero income-producing value in their opinion, and an easy cut in tough times.

Surowiecki referred to one survey taken a few years ago in which 80 percent of 300 large companies thought that they delivered “superior service” as compared to eight percent of consumers and he wrote “….one study suggests that only six percent of dissatisfied customers file a complaint.”

So what do disgruntled people do? I posit that they vote with their feet, though not all. Do most suffer in silence?

We walked out of a trendy bakery/restaurant the other week where we were ignored for several minutes by three people behind the counter. There was no “Hi,” “Be with you in a second,” or “May I help you?” When I asked my husband “What do you want?” as I was deciding whether a cranberry scone or a blueberry muffin was coming home with me, he replied: “To get out of here,” which we did. The place was almost empty, there were four customers at two tables. We passed by in the car the other day and crowds appeared to be leaving or entering.

Money goes to attract new customers, Surowiecki pointed out, instead of keeping existing ones. True to form, the bakery/restaurant has dotted the countryside with posters directing drivers to it and the place was given great coverage in a New York Times article about a month ago.

This place isn’t alone to spend money to attract new customers and favor them. [We were new at the bakery, but as we were in the door, and there's nowhere else nearby, I guess we no longer mattered.] Magazines use a model of spend-to-get-new readers and charge more to current subscribers. I refuse to pay the higher price for a magazine renewal for an expensive publication I’ve subscribed to for eons. New subscriptions cost $10 less. With my check, I send a copy of the blow-in card, circle the lower price and enclose a letter. It’s in my computer so doesn’t take but a second to change the date every year. The letter explains that I expect to be treated better than a new reader and to please honor me with the better price. It works. [I refuse to pay for any publication with a credit card. The thought of trying to break off the relationship with their ability to suck out any amount of money from me that they want--forever--gives me nightmares.]

I agreed with the author when he disclaimed the theory that poor service is caused by consumers who insist on cheap prices, thereby eliminating a business’s ability to provide good service. He mentioned Zappos.com, which in this context is the example de rigueur. We had a glitch this morning using FreeConference.com. I heard from Will Reed in customer service in minutes. Turns out we caused the malfunction. And back to the bakery/restaurant, how costly is it to say “hello, good to see you, be with you in a minute?”

I am sure that you can list many other moderately priced establishments both big and small that serve you well.  Won’t you please share? And we’d always like to hear of examples where you were a dissatisfied customer or employee.

Joanne Kaufman wrote a column, “Too Polite?” in Town & Country’s January issue in which she ponders the surprising dynamic of being snapped at when she offers her seat to older people who are standing in a subway or bus.

I mentioned this to Pierre, a charming, young, very helpful doorman who guards our office building. He nodded his head and said, “I will never again offer my seat to anyone. I have been yelled at for the last time.” (Could this be why so few give up their seats to women who are 9 months pregnant?)

For goodness sakes, can’t people recognize and encourage others for doing something generous? Are people so self-centered as to misunderstand a gracious gesture? The person who gives up a seat isn’t trying to insult, only to be respectful and compassionate AND polite. What’s wrong with a big smile, and “Thank you, no, I’m getting out at the next stop” in return?

Obviously when they were little, Joanne and Pierre’s mothers–as did mine–nudged them in the ribs when someone older entered the bus to remind them to give up their seat. Joanne wrote that she is instructing her children to do this. In the article she marveled that friends and family reprimand her for training her children to write thank you notes as well as for what she considers other standard customs of civilized behavior.

This kind of attitude has repercussions, albeit small ones. When someone crashes into me, or my package, on a city sidewalk, I can’t remember the last time I heard an apology. Has “excuse me” dropped from our vocabulary? Yesterday someone slammed into my niece and said nothing to her as she gathered her footing.

If you apologize, be sure to check out the crasher’s expression: He/she will look angry at you!

I’m sidewalk savvy, having grown up in New York, which means I have invisible antennae that gauge when there are others around me. City nubies, take heart–this doesn’t matter. Bumping and slamming happens anyway and not only in NY, but also in Paris, where, like here, the silent treatment trumps an apology.

So many people grouse about “young people today.”  I’m ashamed of older ones who should know better.

How do people think we will live together cordially in an increasingly jam-packed world when they merrily shrug off and diminish the importance of the most fundamental and simple ways we can lubricate human interaction? What happened to “peace on earth, goodwill to men-and women?”

 

LG is on hiatus from a high profile public relations job in New York City to work at raising three young children upstate. She recognizes how her business background and unruffled professional approach have helped her in two instances and sent along the following recent experiences.

Her account reinforces what we know: When you work with other people, the dynamics are the same no matter where you are or what you do. The subplot: We often create our own hurdles.

Troublemaker vs. Volunteer

LG wrote: “I am the class parent for Nicholas’ [first grade] room and my responsibilities include organizing and executing the parties, liaison between PTA, school administration and classroom and communicating classroom announcements to parents on behalf of the teacher.

“Letter # 1 went home with each child addressed to a parent or guardian-there are 25 children in the class. It was signed by the PTA president and it asked parents to return an e-mail address to me for future correspondence. I didn’t get a single response.

“Children brought home letter # 2 a week later. We again asked parents for their e-mail addresses, announced the date of the first classroom party–the Harvest Party–and requested a $5 donation towards all the year’s celebrations. Four people responded.

“Our Thursday Harvest Party, planned with the teacher, was a great success, we thought, until the evening after the event when I opened an e-mail from an irate parent who had obviously ignored both letters. She had made ‘treat bags’ and hadn’t let anyone know about them. Her angry e-mail was directed at me because I hadn’t sent a reminder–which would have been letter # 3–and she thought that the party was planned for Friday. She also had a litany of other complaints. [I was amazed that she'd unearthed my e-mail address.]

LG continued, “I took a deep breath and with my most highly polished professional PR approach wrote her a charming note explaining my previous actions-and those of the PTA president–and copied the teacher. I also pointed out that as her treats were for Halloween, which fell on a Saturday this year, she still had time to send them in with her child on Friday.

“In this e-mail, I again asked her if I can add her to my e-mail list and I invited her to help with the winter party. To date, I have not heard back from her.”

LG’s experience rang 10 bells with me. Countless times I’ve seen members of an association attack with petty criticisms the volunteers who had broken their necks to produce a smashing event in their often miniscule spare time. The whiner’s complaints usually ranged from menu and venue to speaker choices. Almost universally true: Ask the dissatisfied person to join the program committee so that the next event “is perfect” and in a blink she is down the elevator and out of the building faster than a roadrunner on speed.

Bearing Bad News-A No–And Picking Up the Pieces

LG continued with the second circumstance: “A neighbor’s son became quite ill last week. When I bumped into her in the street, she said that he was almost hospitalized, that doctors thought he had pneumonia, but he could have H1N1.

“She asked, ‘Can you drive my daughter to dance class with Mia?’ [LG's daughter].

“I considered her request and thought about it some more because I wanted to help her out. But my husband and a good friend [both in healthcare] told me not to drive the child as the young girl could be a carrier of her brother’s germs. In addition, my baby had just been to the doctor for her 18 month well visit and received immunizations too. I was worried that she might be more susceptible to germs right now.  

“I could have jotted an e-mail response, but decided to wait for the chance to speak with her face to face–when I went to school to pick up the children. There I explained why I wasn’t comfortable driving her child.

“Meantime our mutual friend [the one in the medical field] got into the act. She told this mother to keep all her kids at home, and not to risk spreading what her son had in dance class or anywhere else.

“That evening the mother told me off in an e-mail. I was obviously influenced by our mutual friend, she wrote, and she underscored how upset she was. She concluded, ‘how could you do this?’

“So I again decided not to hide behind an e-mail–but instead to wait until the next day to respond in person. When we spoke, I asked her why she would put her anger and frustration in writing when she could have called me and we could have discussed our positions calmly. I diffused the situation and in the end, she apologized to me.”

E-mails are a great way to communicate, but there are times when speaking face to face is best, or at least  talking on the phone if it’s impractical to visit in-person. This is especially true when you are clearing the air or setting straight a misunderstanding, especially when you know the recipient isn’t going to be pleased with your decision and/or the situation is further complicated by someone else’s input.

In the last few months I have heard of tiny offices in which members of the small staff are encouraged–actually urged–to e-mail one another and are clearly discouraged to speak. Wonder where this will lead?

Can you share instances in which you wished you hadn’t written someone, but that you had spoken with them instead? How do you deal with uncooperative people who refuse to participate or do what’s necessary to get the facts yet are full of criticisms and blame?

E-mail acknowledgements drive some people nuts—but not me.

 

If I ask someone a question or send them information that they have asked for, or that might help them, I expect “don’t know” or “drowning in deadlines—more next week [or next month],” “tx,” or “thnx.”

 

I have a vivid imagination. When I don’t hear back after two days, I first think the person was in an accident and then I get annoyed because I feel dismissed. One colleague says being ignored makes her feel insecure. My annoyance increases 10 fold if I know the silent person owns a handheld device and is capable of using it.

 

One friend ties the attitude to a demographic—“young people.” In my experience, while there are recent glaring exceptions, most of the students I work or am involved with are responsive.

 

However it may be a societal trend. Not responding seems to be an equal opportunity characteristic that touches people of all ages. I’ve written glowing comments about some businesses in this blog and make every effort to send the posts to strangers at headquarters. While most respond, some don’t. I figure they are inundated with e-mails or that mine ended up in spam. But as I often jot a comment on a web site if a company makes a game of hiding the names of H.Q. staff, spam isn’t an issue: Not reading and responding to online comments is.

 

How do you feel about responses to your e-mails–yea or nay? Do you assume that a person is off and running, doing what you asked for, without bothering to let you know and are you comfortable with their silence? What do you think the non-communicators are thinking, or haven’t they thought through what their silence says?

Off the bat, I’d guess that the service at an upscale Manhattan bread boutique with one branch would be a gazillion times better than in a supermarket with over a thousand outlets.

Not true.

According to Timothy W. Martin in “May I Help You?” an April 22^nd Wall Street Journal article about the Lakeland, Fla.-based Publix supermarkets, the service in these groceries is superb. This is in contrast with my experience at a high-priced city bakery.

Martin wrote that one day the Publix president, Todd Jones, noticed a missing bagger in a St. Augustine branch. Like a great maitre d’ in a top restaurant, who picks up and delivers plates if need be, Jones pinch-hit for the bagger until a replacement arrived. And, Martin reports, in this economy the chain is maintaining its staffing and lowering prices to please current customers and attract new ones.

Back to New York City, I tried to buy a loaf of bread from an Upper East Side bread and muffin bakery and after waiting in line for what seemed a long time, noticed that the customers behind me were being helped. So after a salesperson had finished with his customer, I asked him about one of the breads in the window. He answered and walked away, mumbling, “I will be right back.”

He was gone. I was still waiting.

The next free salesperson, a woman, called out, “who is next?” and turned to the man behind me, asking him what he wanted. I said that I was next and she snapped, “Let me finish with him first.” He hadn’t ordered a thing–she hadn’t yet reached for a crust or crumb on his behalf.

But I’d had it. I stormed out of the store without a word. The customer she’d tapped called after me, “Ma’am, Ma’am,” but by then, I was beyond wanting to spend $4.00 for a small loaf of bread and to feel unhappy and angry at the same time. The bread was no longer a treat.

Got back to the office, looked at the bread boutique’s web site, found an e-mail address and dashed off a note describing my experience.  That was four days ago. I haven’t heard a peep.

Something tells me that Mr. Jones from Publix, with millions of customers, wouldn’t let an angry customer slip through his fingers as quickly as this bakery has.

I find it fascinating that a bigger retail operation can out-service a two-horse boutique. Can it be a regional issue? Some might blame a New York City attitude. I was born, brought up, live and conduct business here. I don’t treat people that way nor do I expect this kind of treatment from anyone at any price.

In a future post I plan to ask some experts to address how an operation with more than one branch assures good service. I’ve always been fascinated by how it’s done. The owners can’t be in two or a thousand places at once. What are your theories?

 

Why do you think bosses, clients, customers or patients don’t thank?

Five of the participants in the previous virtual focus group that covered The Service of Thanks, share their opinions about the people who don’t thank, be they bosses, clients, or patients—and some note just why they think this might be.

 

Joan Marbit, CLTC, [certified in long term care], insurance broker–“As a storeowner for 17 years and former manager of a retail shop, I find that a kind word buys you millions because it reinforces an employee’s feelings of self-worth and makes for a happy environment. I always complimented someone who designed a handsome display or our messenger for coordinating deliveries efficiently. It’s the decent thing to do.

 

“However, I’ve known people in retail businesses that never pay their employees a compliment. I had a miserable boss in a different industry who would only tell his employees what they did wrong and he was mean about it. Occasionally, he’d show some appreciation with a check.

 

“Why are these people this way? I don’t really know, though I would guess that some people are unhappy and aren’t up to being nice.”

 

Lucrezia, activist–“Such a statement fails to ring true. Thanking others reflects appreciation of sensitivities and a positive outlook.  No profession has a monopoly on surly behavior. The boss, who thanks, when appropriate, usually gets greater output than a dictatorial grouch.  A doctor is more likely to bend over backwards for a cooperative and grateful patient, even if the condition is terminal.  A ‘thank you’ needs not be vocal.  It may show up at any time - such as an unexpected helping hand, return of a long forgotten favor, or a surprise box with goodies.  A fine dental surgeon and his staff receive a yearly subscription to a favorite magazine from a happy patient who got his smile (and health) back because of their Herculean efforts. 

 

“Before anyone reading this visualizes a bleary-eyed sentimentalist, note that rudeness or intimidation activates swift retaliation here. Lucrezia has no patience for bad manners and did not earn this moniker for her sweet disposition!”

 

Thomas Yip, fulltime MBA student, Baruch College—“I think the main reason that people often don’t show their appreciation is their emphasis on monetary rewards. Perhaps they expect the best possible service, which they paid for, but when service providers aren’t emotionally satisfied, I feel they won’t be inclined to go above and beyond at work.”

 

Tom Williams, Partner, Hale-Williams Interior Design –“It is unforgivable for a boss not to show respect to his or her employees by withholding a ‘Thank you.’”

 

A McG., retired editor, associate in a major department store’s fine china department and hospital volunteer—“Bad manners. Good manners make the other person feel good.

 

“No breeding. First class people don’t cheat their employees-or try to manipulate them–and they don’t withhold appreciation.”

 

Why do you think that some people never thank for service?

How important to you is getting a “thank you” from a client, a customer, a patient a boss?

           

In the first part of this virtual focus group, we asked a public relations executive, insurance broker, activist, MBA student, partner in an interior design firm, advertising agency owner and retired editor the impact hearing “thank you” has on them and on service. Note how often references to manners cropped up.

 

In the second part, we will ask the focus group why they think that bosses, clients, customers, patients and others don’t thank.

 

Kathryn Kempf, senior vice president, healthcare division of Rosica Strategic Public Relations—“I have noted a strong correlation between personal courtesy and professional achievement.  Clients who treat vendors respectfully and express appreciation for work done well seem to do well in their careers.  I think some companies’ cultures foster this. Personally, receiving a ‘thanks, you’re the best!’ from a client really makes MY day and has always inspired me.”

 

 

Joan Marbit, CLTC, [certified in long term care], insurance broker– “I know what it is to be a boss, an employee, and to be both appreciated and not.

 

“I sell insurance. My colleagues tell me about what happens when they deliver a policy and check to a mother with three children whose husband has died suddenly. You’re the only person showing up at the house with money–this broker doesn’t need to be thanked. A broker can’t take away grief and mourning, but can see relief and thanks in a person’s eyes. The mother knows her children will be able to go to college even without her husband’s income.

 

“I’ve been told, ‘Thank God you nagged me…I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t pushed me.’ A thank you in my line of work is a referral—tell a friend!

 

“I thank my doctor, but a doctor is usually happy doing his/her job and I’m not sure a doctor needs to be thanked for saving your or a family member’s life.

 

“Do you think that someone like Gandhi does good deeds to be thanked?”

 

Lucrezia, activist—“A thank you for a job well done is always welcome and highly appropriate.  Most people who have the slightest bit of sensitivity, along with the desire to see continued good work, would cheerfully offer thanks, or similar words of encouragement and pleasure. What if the work is marginal, or worse, poor? If one has contracted for a service and the job is incredibly bad, how is this handled?  This becomes touchier when there are sensitivities involved (knowledge that efforts were made, but fall far short of desired result).  A variety of reactions come to mind. Yours?”

Thomas Yip, fulltime MBA student, Baruch College—“I love to help people and it is an especially rewarding experience when you find out that people appreciate your help. I express my gratitude when I feel that someone has been of great help to me as well. I think it never hurts to show your appreciation when you mean it! I personally love to see signs of appreciation, and it definitely motivates me to help other people (or the same person) in the future as well.

“I feel that monetary compensation satisfies material needs, but signs of appreciation satisfy emotional needs. It is especially important in the service industry where work is repetitive and often mundane, and it certainly adversely affects anyone’s work performance if one’s emotional needs aren’t satisfied. With that said, I feel that expectations of gratitude make you feel miserable in general, especially when your expectations go unmet sometimes. Personally that makes any signs of gratitude even more special, because I would love to be appreciated for a job well done, but I try not to expect anything in return when I help someone.”

 

Tom Williams  Partner  Hale-Williams Interior Design—“Of course I expect a thank you from my clients, and I don’t think it is inappropriate to expect that type of recognition–As a courtesy from one human being to another; not as servant to master. It is an expression of respect for my professional acumen as well as appreciation for a job well done. I don’t go out looking for a thank you when I work and I expect to be paid for my services, but payment is not a thank you.

 

“It goes to the heart of client and project management.  Simple good manners and mutual respect go hand in hand with my approach to clients and how I treat them and how I expect to be treated.  In over 35 years in my profession I can’t think of a time when a client didn’t thank me for my attention.  Anyone who doesn’t know how to say thank-you probably wouldn’t be a client with whom I would work: Once again, simple good manners.  It must be my Southern upbringing.  I learned at an early age to say ‘Yes, ma’am’ and ‘Yes, sir’ and always to say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you.’  I continue to expect the same in return.”    

           

Hank Goldman, Goldman Advertising– “It’s VERY difficult to answer your questions because each and every case is just SO different! In some cases the pay is great, so…. who cares for THANKS!

 

“If work is done ‘pro-bono,’ thanks would be nice, but not expected. And (obviously) there is an infinite amount of grey area in-between.”

 

A McG., retired editor, associate in a major department store’s fine china department and hospital volunteer–“The customer is boss. I encouraged a man in his 20s, who was looking for a wedding gift, to buy a charming porcelain coffee pot that fit his budget that I knew would please any bride. 

 

“The young man returned to the fine china department one night. He first shyly approached the manager who brought him over to me. I was with a customer so he waited quietly at the counter until I was finished. The only reason for his visit was to thank me and to tell me that the bride loved the gift.

 

“My boss thanked me without saying those words. The department manager told me he’d hide behind the pillar so he could hear me talk with customers, because he found the conversations hilarious. I’d sit the bride and groom at a table so they could see what their favorite patterns felt and looked like, from the right perspective. We’d play house!

 

“At the magazine, one of the top editors always thanked and when asking me to do something, would say, ‘Can you do me a favor?’ Her request was obviously not a favor, it was my job. I loved that she recognized me as a human being.

 

“Good manners-it’s that simple. Please and thank you–worth more than $100.”

 

 

How does being thanked affect you?

 

 

 

 

Do manners have a relationship to service?

 

We asked this question to participants of our second virtual focus group, inspired by a question from a previous comment. Of six respondents, five said “yes.” One said “minimal.”

Respondents ranged from small business owners–art gallery and shipping/copier company–an MBA student and recent library science graduate to a director of sales, product designer and public relations executive. 

  

Matt Mecs, vice president, director of sales, Local Focus Radio and instructor at Metropolitan College of New York –“You pose an interesting question!  My first boss in sales was a screamer type (with a heart of gold), and I was always being reminded to listen to what she said, not how she said it. 

“However, I find that using manners is EXACTLY how I communicate or go about things.  For example - if I cannot fulfill a task that a client requests - I let them know what is going on, and when I can expect to have an answer. Any reasonable person cannot have a problem being updated. 

“Vice versa - were I to supply an answer, but in a very surly or clipped tone, then it negates whatever I might be trying to achieve.

“In one of my MBA classes we discussed an update to the Golden Rule - treat people not just as you would like to be treated, but as you think they would like to be treated.  It is a subtle semantics thing, but as long as you are genuine, manners are highly related to service.”

 

PJS, Recent library science graduate–”Yes, manners have a relationship to service, but maybe there’s a direct link to both sides of the service relationship?

–Is the customer difficult or in a bad mood?

–Does the server HAVE to take verbal abuse in order to give good service?

“I think anyone with manners will have them in any circumstance, it’s just their nature.

“Back to one of the original questions on this blog-’is good customer service innate or learned?’ I’ve seen really good people give terrible service; I’ve seen people happy in the ‘lowest of jobs’, and they make their job the best it can be–it’s their positive attitude, and that can be nature or nurture.”

Cynthia S. Furlong, Cynthia Furlong Design, product stylist–“A service person’s mannerisms make a difference to me, for example when I approach the counter in a store such as Duane Reade, [a New York City mega drugstore].

“I like the person standing behind the register to have a smile on their face and be engaged with the transaction and not distracted. I want my order to be their main focus. And when they seem to be happy at their job, glad to be working the register–all of this represents the sense of manners I appreciate and consider part of the service I expect.”

 

Jim Gordon, owner, RocketShip & Print, South Orange, N.J. “I think that manners have an impact on service, but probably minimal. I am a stickler for manners and it actually drives some people nuts asking me why it’s so important. The answer is not easy. When I see someone masticating wildly with his or her mouth open I try to stay calm, but it rarely works; I still am annoyed.

“To me there are some basic elements of manners that are very important and then others that are marginally important. Manners to me create a standard with which one can expect good behavior. It’s similar in playing a sport. You have to learn basic rules and motions to play most sports. The player who decides to hit a tennis ball with the handle will fail.

“Manners give us a predictable basis for behavior. If it is inappropriate to stand on a table when eating then clearly most diners will be disturbed if someone does that. Maybe I’m wrong or maybe we have some really bad mannered friends, but nobody I know seems to care much either way; certainly not as I do. I drum it into the kids that they should behave a certain way and I think they do. The feedback from some parents is that ‘We love having Keller over since he is so polite.’ That makes us happy and keeps up our training.

“My truly wonderful staff does not necessarily have good manners in the traditional sense. But they are polite and decent in their actions. They listen to a customer, frankly better than I, and then do what they need to. They are cooperative with each other and with the customers. I very rarely get a complaint and when I do, usually it is the customer who has been the problem.

“Thoughtfulness and intelligence do not mean good manners. But you need to be thoughtful and alert to serve the public. I think minimal manners will suffice most of the time.”

Nancie Steinberg, vice president, media relations at a major healthcare public relations agency–“I think manners have everything to do with service. If you say something nicely and with a cordial air, whether or not you can be of help, makes all the difference in the overall experience. I expect to hear an apology or some remorse when relaying a problem I’ve encountered on a company’s website, with their phone system, extended wait time for a response or a doctor’s visit, for example.

“I guess this falls in the category of the customer is always right! Also, the theme is I can take my business elsewhere if I am not happy with the service or the way I was treated. 

“Here’s an example of a snag I ran into with a website. I bought a beer club membership for my husband’s birthday–which I’ve done before. When I went through the process of registering and purchasing it, suddenly there was a glitch and the site wouldn’t take my credit card info. I kept trying and I wasted so much time.

“After all that I called the company and the customer service person said to me he hadn’t had any other complaints from anyone else about these issues!!! There was no apology about inconveniencing me or ’sorry this happened ma’am.’ I went through the process with him and placed the order, but I really wanted to say-’You should have apologized for the glitch in your system and for wasting my time.’ I told him at the onset that I was annoyed.”

Martha T Takayama, Tepper Takayama Fine Arts, www.teppertakayamafinearts.com/ –”Good manners are absolutely crucial to good service.  Good manners should be exercised by both the provider and the client. Manners essentially are neither elitism nor superficial.  They serve important social political functions. Although their use is voluntary they are meant to regulate our behavior to prevent unfairness, confusion, discomfort and, in the worst cases, chaos or anarchy.  

Respectful courteous service offered to a client who hopefully will respond in kind should make for success.  And even a rude client is best dealt with by employing more rather than less formality.”