I saw something yesterday that I considered the ultimate in selfishness, and may have been done by one of the self-centered women for whom Merv holds doors during work breaks in his neighborhood. I was dashing through the main lobby of Grand Central terminal and in the middle, on the marble floor, sat a well-dressed woman with a baby on her lap and a baby carriage next to her. She was eating a slice of pizza, chatting happily with someone who was standing over her, causing a traffic glitch. In the basement of this railroad station is a huge dining area with free seats and tables galore.

You often see young people sitting against the walls reading or waiting for friends. They are mostly out of the way. But this woman’s arrogance and caring-less about her choice of roosting spot and how it might affect others bothered me. Was she trying to be chosen for a reality show?

About a year ago I was on the bus sitting next to a girl about my age and an older woman got on. My neighbor gave up her seat and the woman gladly, and thankfully, took it. At the next stop, another older woman got on and I gave her my seat. She thanked me and turned to the other woman to comment how “the girls are the only ones who give us their seats.”

I often hold doors for people, and I’d say half respond with a “thank you.” While it’s, at times, maddening to deal with rude people, there are those - like the two women on the bus - who appreciate it and make you feel good. I’m not perfect and not always aware of an opportunity to help someone, but I like to think it’s never wrong to do the right thing.

Simon, when you refuse a seat, how do you respond? Are you grouchy and rude, as those described in the post, or charming and grateful?

Simon

I like Nancy’s suggestion to have words top of mind should someone be rude when you offer your seat. I can’t imagine any sane person not being grateful for a lovely gesture. As for rules…follow your gut. Thomas, I get the feeling that yours is right-on every time.

I know it sounds like an episode of Seinfeld, but in some cases when the subway’s too crowded I don’t bother offering my seat (unless I see someone who seems to have trouble holding on), but in the end I always feel guilty about it afterward. Should there be some kind of commonly-accepted guideline for offering your seats? What if I can’t tell if someone is pregnant or just wearing a puffy jacket? What if you are quite sure that your intended seat-offeree won’t fit in your seat?

I think I’m selling this idea to Larry David!

Merv, I always hold doors for people–sometimes a UPS or deliveryman with a dolly filled with boxes. Working folks tend to thank. I cringe when reaching the door to my office building with hands full and the person ahead of me sails in or out letting the door slam shut in my face if I can’t slip my foot in the door fast enough. People are more distracted now than before with music ringing in their ears or chatting on cell phones, but still.

The mothers you describe sound as though they feel entitled to service. I’ve met folks like that. Not my favorites! Just you wait, ‘Enry ‘Iggins, just you wait until their children treat them the way they’ve observed their parents treat others. Heh heh.

Working at home, I find—when doing errands in the neighborhood—that if I pause to hold a door open so that a mother can collect and propel her oversize baby stroller through the doorway, chances are she will say nothing, and not even extend a nod of recognition. Yes, I know no good deed goes unpunished, but still. . . .

Riding a bus, I see it’s the mature women, not the men—and certainly not the teens who ride the buses and subways free!—who offer the elderly or disabled a seat. This is New York; the rest of the country may be different. But I do wonder if young people everywhere have discarded good manners in the crush of trying to get ahead or stay afloat today?

—Merv

As for Joanne, I’d tell her to keep teaching her children to do what’s right. It will serve them well in life–people without manners have limited options.